Skateboarders Should’ve Known Squirrels Were Trying To Kill Us Long Before COVID-19

You have no doubt seen the “earthiest” person you used to hook up with (and still follow) suggest that the current pandemic is Mother Nature’s way of “getting back” at us. That one meme said that the earth has “sent us to our rooms to think about what we’ve done.” (She must know that we’ll be back on our bullshit once punishment is over though, right?)

However, before the undoing of all the good publicity that bats have gotten since the first Batman comic was published in 1939, it was squirrels who fired the first warning shots to a specific group of humans: skateboarders.

Weighing in at about a pound, squirrels are a more ferocious adversary than we give them credit for — take for instance this kamikaze attack by a goat in squirrel’s clothing on an enemy politician in Chicago. Our furry friends-turnt-enemies have no doubt been emboldened by the successful anti-human efforts of Toronto’s raccoons, who in 2018, successfully hacked the city’s most sophisticated OVO technology blocking their food supply.

So why choose skaters as the ones they kill first, you may ask? For one, squirrels exist is close proximity to us; they were even a one-time mascot of the T.F. They eavesdrop on our Tompkins bench conversations, and hear the lies we tell ourselves about how we pioneer everything cool: being unemployed and hot, smoking cigarettes, not paying taxes, not paying rent, wearing pants, etc.

Why not us?

If we believe our own fables about being the first ones to know everything, then is it not skateboarders who have failed humans by being too fried to inform them of this great reckoning? Should Max Palmer have stopped trying that nollie lipslide and sounded the alarm to take better care of the earth?

We are living in an age where scientific expertise is discounted as ignorable suggestion — perhaps a declaration of war at the hands of the squirrels would be better received by the imbeciles currently in power.

14 Comments

  1. No such thing — imagine a PhD telling you how to kickflip — yeah they can analyze force vectors and friction rates but the only “expert” is a 16 year old stoner who mercilessly hucks his/her body down a flight of stairs, often failing in the process — and then to complete the analogy, getting castigated by “#Harvard experts” for ignoring their advice on spin rates and showing videos of how Jani Laitiala does it better

  2. Didn’t know where else to ask this, but what was the QS video to Carti “Long Time” intro? Was it on Instagram only?

  3. U guys just watched that rick and Morty episode and decided to tweak its main characters into a #sk8article


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