Is This Karma? Is This Heaven? Is This Hell?

For years, we have been desecrating monuments, terrorizing the public, destroying parks, and marauding through neighborhoods — all while hiding behind a self-ascribed veil of creativity. “We’re different! You see a bench?! Ugh, you loser. I see a canvas for my skateboard! Pratt scholarship, here I come!”

Somewhere along the line, this proclamation of creativity and its marriage to digestible rebellion caught the eye of the fashion crowd. We pretended to not care because that’s what we always do, but we loved it. We got casted in runway shows, granted our own WEEK of tributes from the fashion publication of record, let into the Wang party eight deep with our boards, and we even gave women cause to suspend their strict height requirements in admiration. Sure, some of our peers were put in a chokehold for 5050ing a foot high ledge, but otherwise — man, times were good.

But what about those we wronged along the way? Those monuments we desecrated? Those old ladies we terrorized? Those parks we ruined? Those white picket fence neighborhoods we marauded? Did we really think we could leave these people broken, without having to atone for our sins?

There’s a famous Twilight Zone zone episode entitled “A Nice Place to Visit,” in which a career criminal dies, and winds up in a place where he is unable to lose. He gambles and there’s no risk. He taunts cops and nothing happens. He robs a bank and there’s no resistance. Thinking he has found himself in heaven, and fed up with it, he tells his guardian angel that he has had enough winning and needs a challenge: he wants to go to the “other” place. “This is the other place,” he learns.

It is 2018, and we’ve made it. Beautiful women come to our skateparks, stretch out on the ramps wearing next season’s highest of fashions, and hoist themselves on the coping in heels as we try to hold pivot fakies. Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin stop by to see how those pivot fakies are coming along. Jonah Hill is telling our story to the world. We just can’t seem to get a day to ourselves at the skatepark without a bunch of hot people showing up and wanting to be a part of it!

“I’m tired of showing up to Chelsea Park and being told I can’t skate because there’s a fashion show going on! Get out of my skatepark! You’re desecrating it! I want to go back! I want skateboarding to be uncool again! I want the football players to spit on me! Enough of these hot people also thinking I’m hot! I don’t fit in here! I don’t belong in heaven!”

Heaven? Whatever gave you the idea you were in heaven, Mr. Valentine? ;)

15 Comments

  1. Yeah if skateboarders really wanted to be uncool again then we should stop making cool clothing and just start selling really ugly stuff ya know?

  2. It’s crazy that all it actually took for the site to get funny again is a new layout

  3. “I said well daddy don’t u know that things go in cycles”

    It’s lowkey already on its way out. Just point everyone to megaramps

  4. I told a photographer and model to “get that shit out of here” at McCarren. No other words were exchanged between us and they packed up their bag and left. In hindsight I felt this was over the top but I’m glad I did it.

  5. “narrating his L.A. life meant elevating the mundane and conceptualizing the random“


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