Today, Nike revealed the uniforms for what will be skateboarding’s first foray in the Olympics. It is with great sadness we inform you that they did not select Quartersnacks’ designs, instead opting for the Parra uniforms.
No longer bound by a non-disclosure agreement, we are able to share our rejected ideas with the world. In designing our proposed uniforms, we leaned heavily on skateboarding’s sartorial heritage — the outfits that adorned our most beloved “street athletes” as they were fighting for a place in the sporting world during the past 30-plus years. If you’ve been with us a long time, you may remember one of our Pulitzer Prize-winning piece on “The 30 Phattest Outfits in Skate Video History: 1992-2012.” This research naturally steered our inspiration.
We will be the first ones to admit that our My-First-Time-In-Photoshop renderings probably did us little favor with the International Olympic Committee, but we have long prided ourselves on storytelling, not our technical prowess.
Unfortunately, that was not enough.
America the beautiful! Where bigger is better! Manifest destiny! Wooooo!!! And what better outfit to represent our realization of a bi-coastal skate industry from from sea to shining sea than the 7XL sweatpants and mesh Celtics jersey combo that Rob Welsh wore in the most iconic photo ever taken at a skate event. Except instead of Boston’s NBA franchise — it’s our flag wrapped around your torso.
For Sweden, we did absolutely nothing – because Eddie Rap Life somehow skated in our exact proposed uniform way back in 2003. Weird.
For France’s women’s uniform, we arrived at that rare place of skateboarder consensus: that shit is fire.
For Brazil, our idea was a bit more high-concept and, *ahem* a bit um, less OBVIOUS than simply dressing the world’s greatest skateboarders in the country’s colors. Everyone knows that the only thing more Brazilian than yellow, blue and white + being able to switch backside tailslide for seventy feet is a size 42 pair of jean shorts…
For Italy’s uniform, we took prominent Italian-American flat-earther Vinny Ponte’s bubble vest over a tee and color-blocked it in accordance with the Italian flag. The I.O.C. got to this page of our proposal and told us to go fuck ourselves:
But alas, none of this matters, because in skateboarding, your actions don’t affect the results of others ;)