See What Happens When People Stop Skating — And Start Chilling

Remember that weird 2012 One in a Million? It was a New York-based attempt to carry the weighty success of the previous season (which introduced the world to many beloved names of the current day: Chris Milic, Nik Stain, Forrest Edwards), and parlay its momentum towards a more digestible “reality” show. It didn’t work, and capsized the OIAM series as a whole.

At the time, we anticipated the contentious realities of New York skateboarding, and offered up some suggestions. They even took one that would yield Lurker Lou years worth of silent side-eyes at skateparks. But the Mad Real World edition of a New York skateboarding reality show sat on the shelf for years — too firey of a concept for an electorate not-yet-enamored with skateboarding.

Until now!

Canadians have once again found a way to push the mirror our way, and force us to acknowledge the grave truths of actually skating for three hours in a three-week span, claiming midtown but rotting away at Blue Park, and pretending that it is ever worth trying to skate Popeye’s Ledge. The TV producers at Clubgear show us what happens when people stop skating — and start chilling…

The Day Skateboarding’s Holiest Annual Tradition Was Corrupted

It’s interesting how quick the consensus on this year’s One in a Million changed. In less than a week, it went from “These kids are all boring, have no personality, and say ‘like’ a lot,” to “I can’t believe they eliminated my favorite skater in the whole thing! Slap is a joke! Lurker Lou sucks!” and a YouTube like v.s. dislike ratio typically reserved for J. Cassanova videos (shout out to RE1000.) In other words, “Damn there are no dickheads this year…I miss Forrest,” to “Lurker Lou is such a dickhead! I’m gonna go hit the thumbs down button on all his video parts!”

Knowing next to nothing about reality shows (shout out to Jersey City), it still wouldn’t be far-fetched to assume there are thousands of heated arguments on YouTube pages of America’s favorite reality stars getting axed too early or unfairly. It’d also be fair to assume most reality show producers judge the success of their shows based on how much people debate their outcomes. Go look at the YouTube page for the latest episode of OIAM to see how that’s turning out. Pretty sure its view count has been significantly bolstered by people returning to argue about stupid shit. Everyone debating the sanctity of a reality show sponsored by Mountain Dew needs to relax.

After you’ve taken a deep breath, and come to terms with the fact that skateboard reality shows and the fates of a dozen kids who got an all-expense-paid trip to New York and free product are not that serious, watch the clip below. It’s a bunch of street footage from some of the One in a Million kids, filmed mostly downtown. That kid Matt Militano, who’s life might be forever scarred because he was eliminated from One in a Million, has a lot of sick stuff. He skates a bit like Stefan Janoski, but with a weirder trick selection.

[ATTN: People afraid of sports, the clip below has actual skateboarding in it. Don’t be dissuaded by the thumbnail.]

It’s edited to the sounds of Allan Houston’s game-winning play from the 1999 playoffs. With the Knicks on track to being the 8th seed this season, we could definitely go for a bit of history repeating itself. Now, we can talk about reality shows, or Jeremy Lin…Let’s focus on Jeremy Lin for now.

P.S. You should watch a Lurker Lou part before complaining on the internet about how he sucks at skating.

Slap calls for OIAM NYC Entries, Neglects to Mention a Preference For Skaters With Criminal Records or a Work History in Party Promotions

Given the overwhelmingly positive response to our “mad real” list of suggestions for Slap’s upcoming edition of One in a Million, it seems only right to inform the world that they are now accepting entires.

Naturally, we have an ulterior motive. We will be spending much of the coming weeks before the deadline with a team of scouts at various nightlife destinations and halfway houses, searching for candidates that 1) could skate well enough to make the list of finalists 2) are partyboys or white, ex-con, two-tone-du-rag-sporting skaters that will give us enough material to write about for weekly analysis once they happen to run the series. (Usually winter, right?) As a result, Slap’s OIAM submission inbox will hopefully be the skateboard-equivalent of the scene in Blazing Saddles where Hedley Lamarr attempts to assemble “an army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the west.” But instead of rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, etc., it will be partyboys, ex-cons, snakes, haters, alcoholics, mongo pushers, mob flippers, vibe artists, wax nazis, deck breakers, board jackers, ledge dancers, ego trippers, meth addicts, tantrum cases, 5XL-tee-in-2011-wearers, and anyone with an inordinate amount of face tattoos. Hopefully, their glowing personality or lack thereof will compensate for whatever shortcomings they may have on a skateboard.

Slap is probably preparing a cease and desist letter as you read this to prevent us from ever discussing One in a Million again.

The Mad Real Slap One in a Million: New York

Yesterday, in the post for Forrest Edwards’ follow-up interview, Slap revealed that the next One in a Million series will take place in New York City. Most know that Quartersnacks spends its time striking an honest balance between the two prominent New York skate stereotypes: one claiming it is a city of endless spots and helpful skaters willing to accompany you, and the other insisting it’s a city of partyboys profiling out-of-towners on the T.F. bench while wearing sunglasses and drinking ice coffee. In light of our mission, and considering the fact we essentially predicted what would happen in last year’s One in a Million, we are offering Slap this helpful advice on how to keep their upcoming project as New York as possible.

1. Though Mountain Dew sponsored the last one, Slap should look into having Stella Artois sponsor this one.

2. Have all organizers, guest pros, tour guides, etc. show up 2-3 hours late each morning, due to hangovers and/or waking up in strange places.

3. The day should start at around 4 P.M., and end at around 5:30 P.M. to maintain an authentic New York feel.

4. Do not allow participants to use wax. Ever.

5. At least one of the participants must succumb to cocaine addiction by the end of the series.

6. At least one other participant must forfeit his interest in skateboarding and begin pursuing a career in art by the end of the series.

7. See how they hold up against an orchestrated TF heckling.

8. Provide a $5 per diem, thus limiting food choices to 2 Bros. slices, $1 falafels, Mamani’s, and 99-cent cans of Arizona

9. Have Lurker Lou on as a guest pro. Nobody will provide more brutally honest commentary than Lou.

10. Make them skate Hollis with Rob Campbell.

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