Have you heard about this hip, popular new sport called volleyball?

“This isn’t a skatepark, you need to leave.”
“Well the skatepark is closed and doesn’t have lights on after dark.”
“You still need to go.”
“Why does the volleyball court have lights and stay open after dark, but the skatepark doesn’t?”
“I don’t know, you should ask Hudson River Park Trust that, but now you need to leave.”

Did you know that volleyball is the fastest growing sport in New York? Demand for volleyball continues to rise, and the city responds by building manmade plots of sand on the waterfront, decking them out with gigantic spotlights that stay on until midnight, so volleyball players could enjoy seven hours of playing time after work.

And it also makes perfect sense that the nearby skatepark they built — the one that Hudson River Park Security loves to point in the direction of when kicking you out of here, here, here, here, or here — doesn’t have lights, and its gate is locked as soon as it gets dark. Seriously, how many people skateboard in New York, like thirty-five, MAYBE forty? That’s opposed to at least 2.5 million volleyball players. Why would the city waste precious electricity in the midst of a budget deficit for the thirty-five remaining skateboarders in New York, when there are millions of volleyball players that need it so much more? Plus, everyone knows that skateboarders aren’t responsible enough to exist in a place designated for skateboarding after dark, given that they are all drug-dealing rapists.

So next time you’re skating Three Up Three Down or Battery Park after 7 P.M. and a Parks employee reminds you that your spot of choice “isn’t a skatepark” (the skatepark being the sole athletic facility besides the children’s playground without lights on after dark on the entire downtown waterfront), remember that America is a democracy, and the volleyball players, given their massive numbers, earned those lightbulbs. Focus your board, put on some suntan lotion (for the spotlights), and go for a few pick-up games of volleyball.