#EVERYBODYSKATES: Celebrities on Skateboards Power Rankings

September 21st, 2012 | 12:50 pm | Features & Interviews | 16 Comments

I Do This #kickflip #TRAPGOD 10/17/2012

No one is sure how the #EVERYBODYSKATES movement started. The most common theory is that a young publicist observed just how “cool” skateboarding was making Lil’ Wayne look, and began recommending the “hobby” to one of his unfortunate clients. From there, it spread like wildfire, with nobody stopping to consider that it actually made all of these impressionable young rich bored celebrities look awful. (Imagine if a 30-year-old Wayne got into basketball instead of skating — his videos at skateparks would be the equivalent of watching him go 1-for-10 on lay-ups for two minutes. But somehow, if you’re a celebrity, being bad at skateboarding is still videoworthy.) As long as #EVERYBODYSKATES remains trending, we will be issuing reports on how well various celebz are pulling off their newfound love for skateboarding. Below is the fall edition.

1. Gucci Mane

They say that “hindsight is 20/20,” and as we come to terms with the terrible Gucci Mane for Rick Ross and 2 Chainz trade, a series of apologetic gestures to Radric Davis seem appropriate. The first should be taking his word that this “kickflip” in his barren kitchen was landed. (What’s with these fat, drug-cooking rappers having such empty kitchens?) Gucci’s entrance into skating would put him in the ranks of other beloved heavyset skateboarders like Fred Gall and Jabari Pendleton, and possibly pique the interest of fellow wild-face-tattoo-having personality, Antwuan Dixon, into sharing a comeback part.

It would also appear that LRG is his first sponsor. Rodrigo TX, Chico Brenes and Gucci Mane on the same team? Sounds great.

2. Rihanna

By now, everyone has figured out that Rihanna is basically a garbage Tumblr girl who the music industry decided to turn into a pop star. Badgalriri’s Instagram photos aren’t far off from a 19-year-old in the midwest who lives for Tumblr likes taking selfies in Photo Booth for an hour-and-a-half until she has the perfect one. Rihanna hasn’t stood sat on a skateboard since the “We Found Love” video came out last October, but in true Tumblr girl fashion, she has kept up with various trending skate brands (in this case, Palace and Huf), even causing ripples in their respective re-sale markets. We love garbage Tumblr girls and we love Rihanna, even if she’s a poser who follows skate brands way more than she skates.

3. Miley Cyrus

Miley could easily top Rihanna on this list, since she has “skated” in 2012, except…

A) She doesn’t post photos of strippers lodged between her legs on Instagram.
B) Her publicist neglected to inform her that reaching out to Pharell for anything skate-related is sooooo 2006.
C) Her fiancΓ© pushes mongo:

4. French Montana

History repeats itself, which is why it’s easy to imagine French’s inevitable skate career following the footsteps of his rap career. All he needs to do is attach himself to one of the most prolific skateboarders currently out, be borderline competent at skateboarding under that person’s shadow (in rapper-skateboarder terms, that means being able to stand on a board), wait for that person to go to jail, spring forth as a solo skater shortly after, and have people eventually come to embrace him as a back-up.

………….

764,465. Lil’ Wayne

Without having official data to confirm, we are 110% sure that a girl has yet to suck a dick for some Truk-Fit. Earlier in the summer, and likely throughout his career, it’d be tough to imagine Wayne having much trouble finding groupie candidates willing to perform oral sex acts on his genitals. Things changed since “Pop That” (the song in which this offer was made) and the “Work Hard” remix (where he insists that a girl “Sucks his skateboard”) dropped. Notable video girls have been reported walking up to Wayne’s hotel room, only to turn back after some hesitation: “I was gonna suck his dick, but then I realized he’d probably give me one of them ugly shirts after I was done, or make me do some weird shit with his skateboard. Fuck this, do you know what room Mack Maine is in?”

16 Comments

Comment by Jacob
  • The end about Wayne was too good.

    September 21, 2012 @ 2:00 pm
  • Comment by AYO
  • FRENCH IS THAT NIGGA THO SOUTH BX^^^

    September 21, 2012 @ 2:08 pm
  • Comment by Lickmyshrimp
  • corny. very corny. this website has become fucking garbage.

    September 21, 2012 @ 3:34 pm
  • Comment by clayton
  • Fred Gall and Antwuan Dixon’s names should never appear in an article with mentions of Miley Cyrus and the word “trending”. That is all.

    September 21, 2012 @ 3:58 pm
  • Comment by CB
  • then why the fuck you here nigga?

    September 21, 2012 @ 4:33 pm
  • Comment by YUTSFLC
  • http://vimeo.com/49935351

    September 21, 2012 @ 5:17 pm
  • Comment by Trill Phil
  • Hannah Montana’s gonna get demolished by wheel bite.

    September 21, 2012 @ 6:11 pm
  • Comment by dj
  • is it odd that i only see pictures of wayne modeling trukfit gear. i wonder if birdman is even remotely hyped on the JR eating shit trying fakie shove-its.

    September 21, 2012 @ 10:20 pm
  • Comment by Robert parish00
  • I was most wanted on the CC rental vandal squad.

    September 22, 2012 @ 9:11 am
  • Comment by wooh da kid
  • Hannah VS French

    September 22, 2012 @ 3:49 pm
  • Comment by mind puzzle
  • cant decide if miley cyrus dudes beanie in the summer is more offensive than the mongo

    September 23, 2012 @ 12:43 am
  • Comment by unhappy
  • Its the invasion into skateboarding now its cool, fuck isnt this going to be fun. Why cant it be good old fashion board company like the sect, brainwashing instead of these famous turds

    September 24, 2012 @ 3:59 am
  • Comment by Tre Gigante
  • French Montana’s part… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. I see what you did there.. #FreeMaxB

    September 24, 2012 @ 4:03 am
  • Comment by Anonymous anonymity.
  • Why is it that all of these kooks are trying to stick their noses into OUR culture? and why are other people so calm about it? I mean sure we’re supposed to welcome newcomers with open arms but that’s only if they’re in it for the actual skating….. Fuck that whole “Skating for Publicity” stunt!

    September 24, 2012 @ 4:12 pm
  • Comment by Snack
  • We’re not calm about it! OCCUPY SKATEBOARDING. WE ARE THE 99%.

    September 24, 2012 @ 5:34 pm
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