Every Tuesday and Friday, the Quartersnacks Board of Trustees has a meeting around a fold-out, linoleum-topped table weighed down by New York phonebooks from 1992 on the 18th floor of the Standard Hotel. In between eating ice cream sandwiches, the events of the week are discussed: how our visitor count and site ranking is doing, how we can improve search engine optimization, the latest obscure skate spots, who made out with who at password night, what everyone is wearing to Avenue tonight, Twitter trending topics, how to expand into emerging markets, and the like. In the past week, it has been brought to our attention via word-of-mouth, site comments, and text message communication, that our brand image is becoming less and less oriented with embittered New Yorkers than can do good frontside shove-its. As we seem to be losing our stronghold on the demographic that has been so loyal to us for all these years, an outside consultant suggested that we employ some serious damage control, and come up with “some mad authentic shit, yo.”

As we plowed through the contacts in our phones, discussing potential candidates for this job, we came upon one of our most promising employees in Quartersnacks’ (un)vast network of content generators, Michael Gigliotti. What he came up with after the adjournment of our meeting a mere two hours ago is embedded below.