Photos by Zach Malfa-Kowalski

10 Experiences to Ensure That You Do Not Forget What City You’re In (From the past 24 hours, in chronological order):

1. Meet up at the TF, the most popular skate spot in all of New York City, only to realize that there is absolutely nothing left to skate there anymore aside from a cinderblock and some trashcans.

2. Go to the curved ledges in the apartments on Avenue D and 12th Street, only to show up and have rollerbladers tell you, “Y’all can slide on it all you want, but no fifty-fifties, ’cause it rounds out the edge.” Realizing that curved ledges and truck tricks are a typically favorable combination, it puts a serious damper on the day when you abide by rules laid out by rollerbladers, knowing that nobody in those buildings skateboards, and if you do happen to grind it, their whole building will probably come downstairs and chase you out. (For those of you reading this and going, “I would have fought them rollerbladers, yo,” please note that this ledge is not that good, and certainly not worth getting into a fight over.)

3. Grossly underestimate the size and sketchiness of D7. The amount of things that have been done down those steps is impressive, even taking into account that everyone just does their go-to flip trick down it. That spot has an innumerable number of things wrong with it, and even an ollie down it deserves a plaque of some sort.

4. Find an out-of-shape Mexican or Thai dude (it is kind of hard to tell) balancing with one foot on a rock at 20th and C, Karate Kid-style, and watch him contort his body in varying fashions for the sake of affirming his sense of balance.

5. Realize that no (bad) diner in New York ever actually writes down what you say after they ask, “How would you like your burger cooked?” You could probably say you wanted raw meat, and they would still make it well-done and dry as possible.

6. Get kicked out of Bellevue Park, by some angry lady who thinks skateboarding is the main problem with the park. Meanwhile, disregard the vials and needles scattered throughout every three-foot radius, the fact each corner is covered with human excrement, and there is a crackhead yelling at his “woman” loud enough for the entire two-or-three square block wide park to hear while his friend is nonchalantly nodding out next to him (seriously, when you watch the clip, look at the bottom right-hand corner.) Skateboarding is clearly the biggest issue, not the drugs or the fact that the park has essentially assumed the role of a giant toilet. If she ever pretends that you can’t skate there, ignore her.

“It’s cool to smoke crack here, and piss on the wall afterwards, but those skateboards gotta go!”

7. See another crackhead couple arguing two blocks away on 29th Street, and watch them almost get hit by a car because one of them is trying to cross the street backwards (i.e. walking forwards, but with her back turned to traffic) at a green light.

8. Usually, it is pretty easy to pin-point the “best handrail,” “best nine-stair,” “best ledge spot,” etc. in this city because there are so few of those, and every other similar spot is way more complicated to skate than it should be. In this particular case, a venture was made all the way from 29th and 2nd, to 47th and the Westside Highway to skate the “best bump to bar” in New York adjacent to a car wash across from the Intrepid. Like many spots with the “best” title, there is still an exorbitant amount of things wrong with it, namely the narrowness, the soda machine in your way before it, and the height of the bar, even relative to the large, helpful size of the bump.

9. A prominent misconception held by skate tourists is that Midtown is bust-free (or a lot less of a bust at night), which is why all the footage from there is a night. That is very, very far from the truth. I have been kicked out of Paine Webber at 4:45 A.M. on a Thursday because I had a skateboard under my feet as I sat there eating a bagel and drinking a coffee. The reason you go to Midtown at night, and preferably on a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday night, is because there are a lot less people out. You still might get kicked out of every spot on the westside in ten minutes, and every spot on the eastside in five minutes. Going against conventional wisdom, the hordes of people getting out of work during rush hour occasionally do produce a sort of crowd camouflage that might buy you a few minutes when it’s light out.

10. Pay $3.49 for a mid-size Poland Spring at a Seventh Avenue deli after the session is over.

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